kindness, little things and pink peonies

I feel like it is almost disturbing how much I tend to focus on the little things, it’s truly something that I wholeheartedly notice and value.

A little thing happened to me last week.

A couple of days ago I was walking around in one of my favourite spots here, this sweet quiet park in the middle of the city looking for a bench to spend my afternoon reading. After a while after I’d settled in, a stranger, foreigner, came up to me and asked if I had a lighter for his cigarette. I passed mine. One thing leads to another and as you do, it ended with a short conversation that managed to cover everything from what one does for a living to relationships. It all just reminded me more of an incredibly amusing blind date. Hilarious. When he reached out to give me back my lighter, I offered him to keep it, it’s not like I’m a smoker or would ever need one anyway.

An insightful twenty-minute conversation and an hour of reading later, I couldn’t possibly hold back my silly grin when the same guy was standing in front of me with a bouquet of peonies, saying (he told me to quote and to write word by word, ha!)

 “This was cool! You fed my need of having a smoke so I felt like giving you a bit of attention. I never talk to strangers - I hope these will give you the care that your eyes are missing, the old lady at the shop said girls love them!”

While I was trying to find words to say, and the guy looked a bit freaked out by my reaction (as you would, how does this even happen?!), he added

“I hope these will last you longer than my lighter? I had to get a new one for the next cigarette.”

That’s when we both broke out in laughter and I thanked him. Needless to say, I haven’t read much since that last Wednesday evening.

I’ve had a lot on my plate for a few weeks now, and if this is not something that one could call fate, I might as well stop believing in it. Do good and good will come to you.

This is one of the many reasons I love little things. I keep reminiscing about little things when it comes to anyone, from a smiling someone on the street to a simple conversation. And so I try to do keep the kindness and little things hand in hand in my life, as it constantly manages to teach me that whenever I radiate positivity, I am also surrounded by it and embrace it.

Do a little thing and it might just end up that a lovely person will come back to say thanks with your favourite flowers in their hands. But, I could be glad knowing this stranger guy now, all ties had to be cut as I’ve had someone else in life for a while now.

PS. R, thanks for telling me to start writing again. It does all the things you said it would. I’ll try and trust your advice more in the future.

too much irrelevance

In the midst of all the madness that is going on in the world, in the midst of massacres and never ending conflicts there is only so little if anything that seems to matter and be relevant in comparison to the problems on a larger scale.

For a couple of weeks now, I’ve been in a very strange state of mind. Leaving what I now call home to go back to the place that only seems to be related to tremendously negative feelings, is quite frankly a fairly strange experience. I guess things do change, but I truly feel that only the ones that have actually left and come back to something see that some things just stay the same. No matter how much time passes, no matter what happens and no matter how much one will try, it ends up being in this claustrophobic state of mind where time stands still and where, as a result, one feels suffocated by the wave of emotions.

Reality is, being away from what I now call home sucks. It sucks big time. I have always wanted to leave for a variety reasons, mainly for I have nothing left here. And that is exactly why I encourage anyone and everyone to leave, for at least a little bit. It is only then that you realise who your true friends are, and it was only then that I realised I had nothing left here. It is only then that you see things in a completely new light, and only then the true values in life are discovered. It truly sucks to admit it but this is the simple reality of it.

A month ago or so, I came across a very special someone, and I fell – pretty hard, if I do say so myself. I’m not much of a talker when it comes to all things lovey, but it was always clear for the ones close to me as to who gave me the smile I was wearing, and it was nice to spend time in the magical world of feeling like it’s summer, like you’re sitting by the lake with your feet in the water, your eyes closed, soaking up the last bits of sun and wondering whether all those different bird songs behind you have a meaning.

With things getting out of hands, lessons happened. And with recent events in the world, it is only smart to use this to say all the meaningful words. However it is done, letting things out and letting things go is the only smart move that can be done. It is such a cruel world out there and not only, with a snap of fingers your definition of special can someone be gone as quickly as it happened.

…and, reality is, even though being away from what I now call home sucks, it is yet another challenge for all I have in my life. I take it as another test of relationships and bonds created throughout the year, and I am so fortunate to easily be able to tell apart what came to last, and what came to just stick around for a second.

With things getting out of hands, lessons happened. And, don’t let yourself wonder why people love you. That is not how it works. There are no individual reasons that a person can enumerate about why they love you. It is the entire unique combination of what and who you are.

Sorry for being stubborn - I don’t mean it and you would know that the only reason I was to say this would be to compromise. I care for you more deeply than I ever have for anyone. If that wasn’t as transparent of me, well, I couldn’t have helped it. It was nice, though I can’t continue playing the circus monkey role. I love you to pieces but I guess it is safe for both of us to turn to a new page now.